SIMON SAMUEL

it's a belated happy chinese new year..
ya..


don't know why but i have a bad feeling about this year..
which is also why i have quitted starhub..
like again...
lol..
reason: i really need to study!!


i know that i am a perfectionist..
so much so that i hate myself..
i hate myself for stagnating in this stage of life..
i hate myself for not being able to keep up with my expectations..
i hate myself for not taking the steps to acquire what i want..



friends say to get on with it lah..
easier said than done..
and there's the phrase, "doing is a quantum leap from imagination"
so, i supposed i should just set off after my goals right?


rationality tells me not to, because i have too much at stake..
and what are at stake one might ask..
i have lost the monetary equivalent of my life!
everyday, i see my peers out there, slogging their guts out for the monthly pay..
and i look at myself..
here i am, still stuck in school..
ya..
an alternative since i gave up on my previous degree..
and who is to blame for that?
myself.


and this is my second chance..
my final chance..


and then it happened again!
it freaking hell happened again!!!
i thought this shit will never happen to me ever again after the first failure!
so tell me what to do..
i don't want to take the gamble again..
i don't have enough to stake it all in..

he: what r u waiting for?
me: time..
he: do u really like ***?
me: what do u think?
he: i don't think so..
me: i cannot lose both at the same time.. my risk appetite is not great enough this time.. i have to wait..
he: but u have waited for a year already!!
me: ya i know..
he: so??
me: i don't know lah.. i can only wait for now..
he: wait wait wait.. later everything also don't have!
me: we'll see how it goes..


so they say depression strikes when we are feeling the effects of exam stress..
how true..